Facing My Fears, The Stigma of Infertility

Part 2

It's funny, you know, how fate works in your life. How one seemingly insignificant decision can lead to several other seemingly insignificant decisions, and before you know it, fate has put you in a place that you otherwise never would have been. Meeting someone that you never would have met.

It was Spring Break 2001. I was really looking forward to hitting up some South Padre Island action with my roommate and some of her hometown friends. Plans were made, my shifts at work were covered, I had a couple bucks saved up, and was ready to par-tay! At the last minute, literally an hour before we were supposed to head out, my roommate and 2 other friends bailed. That left me and another guy that I barely knew, driving down to SPI to meet up with about 8 other GUYS for spring break. I thought, why not, what the hell, what else am I going to do, sit around here all week?! So we headed out. It was about a 5 hour drive, and this guy was kinda weird, so of course, I pretended to sleep the whole time. Please remember, this was circa 2001, a la before the invention of the iphone. We all met up at the super classy Ramada (I think, I could be wrong) in the dirty south aka Brownsville. Brownsville was the spring break haven for co-eds not quite of legal drinking age such as myself, as it was steps away from the Mexican border and Matamoros. I won't bore you with all the details of the trip (mainly because I don't remember half of them!), but I will tell you that among the 9 guys there, one of them stood out. His name was Jason, and he was soooo cute, and so nice, and just as clumsy as I was. Between the two of us, we probably dropped on average 10 bottles of Bud Light on the floor every.single.night. We laughed, we made out, we exchanged numbers, and we went our separate ways. He went back to A&M and I went back to SWT. I knew he was a keeper when I mailed him some pics I had taken from the trip and he mailed back a sweet card with a $20 in it to reimburse me, I mean come on, who does that?! We emailed each other and called occasionally, but we both knew that neither of us wanted anything serious, especially not with an hour and half between us - that's just crazy talk for young fun-lovin college kids! I saw him again in May when he invited me to a concert. Let me tell you, I started to fall... and hard. But still, I knew the long distance thing wouldn't work, so we kept doing what we had been doing. Kind of a "when I'm with you, I'm with you" deal. And it worked for us. I dated other guys here and there and he dated other girls too, but in the back of my mind, I was comparing every single guy to Jason, and not a single one was living up to him. Every couple months we would see each other, and each time my love for him grew stronger and stronger. Finally, in December 2003 I graduated from college. He and another buddy came down for the occasion and he met my parents for the first time. Of course, they loved him too. About a week later, we left with my cousin on a ski trip to Colorado. It was there, in a bar, at midnight, on New Year's Eve, that he cradled my face in his hands, looked deep into my eyes, and told me he loved me. Swoon! My heart exploded! I knew he meant it too and I could finally tell him that I loved him too! We may or may not have moved mountains that night, if you know what I mean :) Sadly, the day after returning from our awesome trip, I was set to leave for Costa Rica for the entire month of January to study abroad for my final college class. Can you think of a better way to go out? Yeah I thought not! We emailed daily, and I drew corny hearts in the sand that said "wish you were here", but even though I did miss him, that was the most AMAZING and unforgettable trip/experience of my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world! I know this has nothing to do with infertility, but I thought you might want to know a little back story.

I returned the day before Super Bowl Sunday. The thought of telling Jason my secrets were weighing heavy on my heart. Would this change the way he felt about me? Would he want to break up? Would I ever find someone else as great as him? The whole thing made me nauseous. Finally, one night I built up the courage to tell him. I had the conversation a million times in my head, but when I opened my mouth to speak, a giant lump formed in the back of my throat, forcing only squeaks of words to come out and tears to begin welling up from behind my eyes. How was I going to get through this? I can only imagine what he must of been thinking. Very slowly, and through ALOT of crying and sobbing, I told him my story. I could see his face fall, and sadness take over, and I thought, oh great here it comes, we're over. But to my surprise, the sadness wasn't over finding that I wasn't who he thought I was, it was genuine sadness for me, and that I was hurting. He was so upset that here was a problem that was affecting me in such a negative way, and there was nothing he could do to fix it. He just held me and rocked me back in forth telling me over and over how much he loved me and that he could care less whether or not I could have children, and that he even wanted to adopt anyway. How could I be this lucky? Is he for real right now? Did God really make this amazing specimen of a man just for me? Yes ladies. Yes he did. After that, I felt an enormous weight lifted and in its place, was that airy, bounce in your step, can't stop smiling kind of romantic love that you see in the movies.

In June of 2007 we were married at dusk, on the side of the lake, in downtown Austin, with all of our friends and family surround us and we were ready to take on this life together, and all the challenges that we knew were ahead of us. During the ceremony, the pastor made a plea to our friends and family, that they too would be a part of our marriage, and help support us and encourage us, and in unison, they all said "We Do" that day too. Now some may have just said it as a courtesy, some probably thought they meant it at the time, but some, some of them really took this vow to heart and would later become such an incredible blessing to Jason and I, and an inspiration for how generous and loving our Lord intended us to be. Part 3 coming soon.

I Am The Face of Infertility, And This Is My Story...

Part 1

Infertility
: not fertile or productive : incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy : barren

I am the face of infertility and this is my story.

I grew up in a small Texas town, the oldest of 3, and the only girl. There was nothing particularly special about me, I was just your typical kid growing up, played soccer, did dance, tormented my brothers, had sleep overs with my girlfriends prank calling boys we had crushes on, calling radio stations begging them to play our favorite songs so we could tape them on our cassettes while we sat around playing Girl Talk and reading Bop and YM magazines. I was like everyone else. Until one day I wasn't.

Last day of 5th grade

 



Somewhere around 6th or 7th grade I started to become keenly aware that one by one, all of my friends were getting visits from lovely mother nature. We didn't hold meetings to discuss who had and who had not and when and where or any of the semantics of it all, no it was very casual, like in the girl's locker room after PE sitting in the dark playing "light as a feather, stiff as a board", and someone would whisper, "hey do you have a pad?" Or, when switching classes, the quiet question in the ear of "do I have anything on my butt?" Slowly, I began to notice more and more that I was somehow being left out of this secret club, this female alliance. It appeared that this right of passage had come to my door step but left before I could answer the door. On the outside, I looked like everyone else, but on the inside, a worry began to fester. I often wonder what my mom must have been thinking. Was she worried? In denial? In blissful ignorance?

Middle school is an evil, evil place. Truly, you are lucky to get out unscathed. So of course, the thought of being "different" in any way from your peers strikes terror in your heart, so you do what ever is necessary to keep the status quo, and for me, that meant stealing my mom's panty liners and tampons and stashing them in my backpack, lest my inadequacies be detected by my friends. This became my shield, my protection, my lie. With these items in hand, no one would ever know what was really going on, or rather what was really NOT going on, I mean could you even imagine the ridicule? The endless teasing? No, no. Not me. I was prepared. It even got to the point that I would ask for feminine products from my friends, just to be sure that there would be no suspicion on their end. It was so pathetic. Can we all agree, girlfriend needed some therapy?!

Not so funny story... I distinctly remember one April Fools Day. I was 12 years old. Maybe it was wishful thinking, maybe it was just a dumb idea in poor taste, but I took it upon myself to put a couple drops of red food coloring the toilet and call my mom into the bath room (I told you it was dumb). I will never forget the relief and almost joy that was on her face as she started to talk to me about menstruation and blah blah blah. I think that's when I knew, when I really knew that something might really be wrong. It would still be a few years though before I would find out just how right my gut was that day.

Middle school passed. I survived. The transition from middle to high school was really a non-event. You see, in our small town, grades 6-12 were all in the same school, so there was no big ceremonial "welcome to high school" hoopla about starting 9th grade, other than having the power to ridicule the 8th graders and pretend that the few months that separated our birthdays somehow meant that we were FAR superior and more mature than they would ever be. Clearly. But it was another year older for me, and the idea of me being a "late bloomer" in regards to my period or lack there of, was quickly losing ground with each passing day. Finally in my sophomore year, at 15, my mother broke down and made an appointment for me with our family physician. I should note that I was seriously NEVER sick growing up. In fact, I didn't miss a day of school until the 5th grade, and that was to attend a funeral. Then I didn't miss a day of school until I got a car, and realized I totally could. I digress. So, small town doctor determined that I was just athletic and that was probably the reason for the delay and that we shouldn't worry just yet. After all, I seemed to have been developing in every other way just fine, so we should just give it a little more time. Let me just clarify here, I played volleyball, basketball, and ran track, ranking somewhere between average and less than average at all of the aforementioned sports. I was in no way going balls out with my dedication to sports. I played sports because my friends did and because it was fun to be part of a team. And let's face it, the pep rallies were awesome AND you got to leave school early, hang out on a bus with your friends, French braid each others hair and talk about boys on the way to play a game - um yeah, sign me up. Nonetheless, my mom bought the "possibly anemic, over trained athlete" story. Again, perhaps it was hopeful denial?

We went back a couple months later, and I was referred to a gynecologist. Needless to say, I didn't dare tell any of my friends what was going on, and I'm fairly sure I was the only one of my friends going to a gyno at 15! You may not believe me, but very few people in my grade were having sex, and trust me when I tell you, it was a small town, and everyone knew what everyone  else was doing. Except my secret. No one knew that. Again, I digress. So, we go to the gyno, and after the initial exam, he, yes HE (I could write an entire post on this little nugget alone - I mean seriously mom, a guy gyno, for your 15 year old daughter who at that point had never had a "serious" boyfriend - sheesh!) went on to suggest that an internal exam with a vaginal sonogram would need to be performed. Ahem, excuse me? You're telling me you want to put that thing, in there, when absolutely NOTHING has every crossed that sacred threshold? Um yeah, good luck with ALL THAT. So yeah... he tried... I cried... and it was like Fort Knox down there... ain't nobody gettin' in if you know what I mean. So, unless they sedate me, this little experiment was not likely going to happen. So, off we go to yet another specialist. This time we enter the wonderful world of Reproductive Endocrinology.

Um yeah, NO WAY IN HELL!

 

After the traumatic experience with the other doctors, it did put me a little bit at ease to learn that this doctor was actually a woman. She was very nice and had a great bedside manner, and took the time to talk with me and my mom, in her office, with my clothes ON for a change, before she did any kind of examination. She explained everything that she wanted to do, asked me if I had any questions, fears or concerns, and was so patient with me and calming my nerves. I felt so much better this time around. I'm pretty sure God put that doctor in my life exactly when I needed her. So, she does the vaginal ultrasound, explaining what she is looking at the whole time, but not really giving us any info good or bad about what she is seeing. I get cleaned up and dressed and we head back into her office to discuss her findings. This day, this hour, these minutes, will live in my brain for the rest of my life. This was the day I sat in a chair, holding my mom's hand, looking into the eyes of my doctor, as she told me that I would never be able to have children. In a split second, in all of my teenage immaturity, my heart broke and mourned for all the children that I had always wanted to have someday but now never would. In a moment, my world came crashing down. From that point on, everything she said sorta sounded like the teacher on the Peanuts cartoons. Nothing was being processed. All I could think about was, why me? Was this because of the April Fools prank? Is God punishing me? Why would God make me if I wasn't able to perform the one thing that makes a woman a woman? Who is ever going to want to be with someone who isn't even a "real" woman, who can't even bear children? Who would ever want to marry someone like me?

I was 6 years older than my younger brother and 9 years older than my youngest brother, so I grew up helping my mom in the mothering/care taker role and I loved it. I was the type of person that when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my first answer was always, a mom. Through countless games of MASH, I knew that I was going to have at least 4 kids, heck I even had all their names picked out. The floor had literally dropped out from under me. I was diagnosed with primary amenorrhea and unexplained premature ovarian failure. Basically, all my eggs were gone. Disappeared into space. Just a basic anatomy lesson here, you can't ovulate/menstruate if you have no eggs. You also cannot have a baby if you have no eggs. No amount of IVF in the world can recreate or reproduce an egg once it's gone. In the womb, your DNA is formed with the exact number of eggs that you will have in your whole lifetime, and we aren't sure if I ever had any, why I developed completely normally without them, or where they went if I did indeed have any to begin with. It's all a mystery that only the big guy upstairs can answer. I have never met/read about anyone that has exactly what I do. There have been many that have similar stories, but every one's infertility story is a little different.

My next course of action was to start taking some hormone pills to keep my levels in the range that they should be for a girl my age (so as not to lose the function of my uterus). A few days later, I was elated when I actually started cramping and started my period for the first time ever. I guess a tiny piece of hope was still alive in my brain which let me actually think for a minute that that meant that maybe something had changed and I could actually have kids, you know cause period=babies. Apparently, in all my sobbing at the doctor, I had missed the little tid bit of info when she discussed manipulating my body into menstruating - that it wasn't real. Crushed again. Shortly after all of this, I turned 16. I was the only one I knew of that was on birth control. That would be my new secret. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel some weird sense of pride that I had finally joined the ranks of all the other girls that get to bitch about their periods - and really mean it. Looking back, I have no idea why my mom did not get me into some kind of counseling. How can you expect a 15/16 year old girl to go through all of that and have the emotional maturity to process it when grown women can't even process this kind of news? I guess she just didn't know what to do, and thought if she did nothing it would just go away, or I would just figure it out - who knows. All I know is, I carried a darkness, an extreme sadness inside me for a very, very long time. This whole experience affected me on such a deep and emotional level and it manifested itself into some major feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem and self-worth. I was too afraid to get into any serious relationships until I was 19. I was too afraid to tell anyone, even my best friend. Who could possible understand - I was an island. The only way I knew to get passed these feelings were to completely suppress them and not think about them. Ever. Which was easy to do when you have no one to talk about it with. And that's where those emotions and fears and sadness hid for several years. Until I met Jason in the spring of 2001.

Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

Week 1 in the books!

I am officially one week down in my Insanity workouts and FINALLY, FINALLY was able to get through the entire warm up and first circuit with.out.stopping! Whew - that shit is HARD (twss)! I also managed to squeeze in 14 miles, a little less than normal, but Insanity has been kicking my ass!

 

 

werkin on my fitness

 

Check out that pace y'all - sub 2 half here I come!

 

Last night's dinner - Philly Cheesesteak Stuffed Peppers & a side salad - YUM-O!

The hubs and I had a MUCH needed date night Friday and went and saw the movie 42, and I gotta tell ya, it was pretty good! I wish there were more people today that could serve as positive inspirations for kids - anyhoo I digress. Then we got to relax on the patio and munch on some Mexican food and Skinny ritas - yum! We talked about our new life and having another kid. I admittedly have the baby fever, but often think that maybe it's not meant to be for me - more on that this week, after all it is National Infertility Week. Sigh.

Now on to things in which I CAN control... I am down a pound and a half from last week - woot woot!

Weekly Workout Goals

Monday
Insanity Cardio Power & Resistance

Tuesday
Insanity Pure Cardio & 3 miles (hills)

Wednesday
Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit & 4 miles (pace/tempo)

Thursday
Insanity Cardio Recovery & 3 miles (speed)

Friday
Insanity Cardio Power & Resistance

Saturday
Insanity Pure Cardio & Cardio Abs

Sunday
Schlotzky's 10K Bun Run

In other news, I will be starting the 10 day Advocare Cleanse in la manana! I'm pretty pumped about it! So that means I have several days to figure out how to handle mom's night out - that's gunna be a tough one pal! But I'm thinking it won't be half as difficult as potty training 2 two year olds, which will commence next week. I cannot tell you enough how much I cannot wait to be a diaper free home - hey maybe I can use the money for more race entries! :)

Hope you all have a great week!

-Candice

 

iPhone photo dump

I have been doing really well with Insanity and running this week! I even managed to push out 4.25 miles on Thursday in 38 minutes - that's a 9 min mile avg pace yo! About to hit the pavement again for my 7 miler and will follow it up with a little cardio recovery Insanity!

my silly girl playing dress up

love me some snuggle time with my little man

apple smiles!

 

Thursday night's veggie spaghetti - yum-o!

 #pinterestfail, the chia seed pudding, not so good!

How cool is this? I am getting the shirt with this logo and plan to wear it in the

Schlotsky's Bun Run 10K next weekend #irunforboston

Date night - holla!

 

left pics were from June of last year, the right are from Dec '12

Took these on Thursday after the kiddos swim lessons. Not really where I want to be, but also not AS BAD as I thought I would look in a bikini. Just need to keep at it!

 

Have a great weekend!

 

-Candice

 

Cha Cha Cha Chia

I know what you're thinking, and no, I am not referring to the endearing handmade decorative planter made famous in the glorious decade known as the 80's...

 

Although, I think I know what Lucy is going to be for Halloween this year...

 

Can I just say this is Hi-larious!

 

 

No no, I am talking about the amazing super seed! I discovered the power of chia seeds about a year ago, but only recently started using them on a daily basis. Chia seeds are an ancient super food that has been used by the Mayans, Aztecs and Incas. In fact, Chia means “strength” in the language of the Mayans, and was considered running food because messengers could run all day with the help of these tiny seeds. Chia seeds were considered medicine and were actually prized more than gold due to their incredible health enhancing properties.

 

Chia seeds are high in:

• Protein
• Fiber
• Magnesium
• Calcium
• ALA, a type of omega-3 fatty acid.

(In fact chia seeds contain more Omega-3′s than any other plant source, including flaxseed). An ounce of chia seeds contains 137 calories, and will get you four grams of protein and 11 grams of fiber. Now, I am not concerned with calories, I've never been a calorie counter, and God willing never will be - I mean, come on, WHAT A BEATING! I know it works for a lot of people, so no disrespect, it's just not my cup 'o tea. I know that with the amount of running and cross training that I do, keeping meticulous track of my calorie intake is really not necessary for me.

Chia seeds are a complete source of protein. They actually have 2 times the protein of any other seed or grain. They are great for weight loss because they easily bulk up the food without changing the taste. SCORE! Because the carbohydrates are released incredibly slow, it makes people feel full. They also bulk up and cleanse the body of old “junk” so the body can detox and lose weight. DOUBLE SCORE!

They also have 3 times more antioxidant activity than blueberries, 3 times more iron than spinach, and are packed with calcium! Who knew?!

And as if that wasn't great enough, they are also great for athletes because they are highly hydrophilic, meaning they absorb large amounts of water. Chia seeds can absorb over 10 times their weight in water making them a great enhancer in hydrating our bodies. They absorb the water we drink holding it in our system longer. I seriously CANNOT wait to try this out on my next long run on Saturday!

The chia seeds gel when they become wet (that's what she said) and this gel, when in our digestive systems, helps prevent some of the food, hence calories that we eat from getting absorbed into our system. This blockage of calorie absorption makes the chia seed a great diet helper. Eating the seeds also helps dieters by making them feel fuller faster so they will be less hungry!

The goal is to take about 4 tablespoons of chia seeds a day, which is super easy since you can pretty much put them on or in anything! So this morning, I sprinkled them on top of my peanut butter toast, then for lunch I dumped a bunch in my taco salad (just a reg salad with left over taco meat), and I just finished off a delicious chocolate protein shake with a bunch of those little guys mixed in.

 

And I am totes going to try this yummy looking pudding later tonight :)

Here's the recipe

Why on earth did it take me so long to make this a regular part of my routine?! I will keep you all updated on any differences I notice from the chia seeds. Do you have any experience with them?

Here's where I got most of my info.

Have a great day! And please say a prayer today for the victims and families of both the plant explosion in West (about and hour and a half away from me) as well as those affected by the Boston bombings. God Bless,

-Candice

 



Pesto Chicken w/ Cauliflower Rice... it's what's for dinner

This is def a meal that makes our rotation often! It's just sooooo stinkin easy, and healthy too! Like pretty much all my recipes, it is low carb. So if you are looking for something quick, easy, yummy and healthy, you should totes give this one a try!

Pesto Chicken

2 (16oz total) boneless, skinless chicken breasts (I like to pound mine out)
salt and fresh pepper to taste
7oz pesto (you can make your own or buy it, when I buy it, I buy Buitoni All Natural Pesto w/ Basil)
1/2c chicken broth
1 jar of sun dried tomatoes or 1 medium tomato, sliced thin
6-8oz shredded mozzarella cheese
1/4c shredded Parmesan cheese

Preheat oven to 400° F. Wash and dry your chicken. Cut your chicken breasts into strips or tenders (I usually pound mine out first to make thinner strips/cutlets). Season lightly with salt and pepper.

Take your pesto and mix it in a small bowl with the 1/2 cup of chicken broth. Stir until combined.

Pour half the pesto mix into a baking dish and spread around. Place your seasoned chicken cutlets in the baking dish. Top each cutlet with the remaining pesto mix.

Bake for 15 minutes or until chicken is no longer pink in center. Remove from oven; top with tomatoes, mozzarella and Parmesan cheese. Bake for an additional 3 to 5 minutes or until cheese is melted.

*I use this recipe to make my own skinny pesto.

Cauliflower "Rice"

- small head of organic cauliflower, finely chopped in food processor

- 1-2 tablespoons of coconut oil

- salt and pepper to taste (you can also add season all and/or Tony's to taste)

 

Instructions

1. Cut florets in small pieces and place in food processor. Pulse until the cauliflower is reduced to the size of couscous or rice grains. Depending on the size of your food processor, you may need to do this in multiple stages.
2. Place in microwavable bowl with glass lid like Pyrex.
3. Add coconut oil, salt and pepper
4. Microwave 5-6 minutes and set for 1-3 to allow rice to steam a little longer.
5. Fluff rice, season to your preference as needed.

Notes

A head of cauliflower makes a good amount of rice. You can also sauté in coconut oil with onions. Also note that you should not use this in place of rice in casseroles or with anything that is particularly liquidy as it does not absorb well.

 

I forgot to take a pic of it before we ate it - but it looks very similar to this...

 

The Show Goes On...

In light of what happened in Boston on Monday, I have officially decided to take the plunge into marathon training. I have been on the fence about this for a while, but this was just the motivation I needed to convict me of what I need to do. We cannot let these monsters think for even a second that they have won or crushed our spirit in any way. We are runners. We are strong. And we will prevail. I run for me. I run for Him. I run for Boston.

 

 

I am still working on mapping out all of the logistics, but here's my plan so far...

 

October 12th - NOLA Jazz Half (and celebrate the hubs bday)

November 17th - Rock 'n Roll Half Marathon in San Antonio

January 19th - 3M Austin Half Marathon

March 23rd - Rock 'n Roll Dallas Marathon

 

If I end up feeling prepared before the Rock 'n Roll in Dallas, I may run the full in Austin. We shall see.

 

In the meantime, I am frick frackin ready to rid myself of these last 10-15 pounds yo! I have seriously gained almost 10 pounds since I ran the Dallas half back in December before we moved. Hmmm, not good with change much???

 

Gotta go, I've got a date with Sean T followed by murdering some hills!

 

Happy Hump Day!

 

-Candice