I'm with you...

I was sure by now

God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

“I’m with you”

And as You mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

Every tear I’ve cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry

You raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

“I’m with you”

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

- Casting Crowns

It's funny, I've probably heard this song and sang the lyrics a million times, but it really hit me in the car on the way to gymnastics on Friday, and as my eyes welled with tears pulling into the parking lot, I was so overwhelmed with this truth and took so much comfort in that moment, that my God really does hold every tear in His hands, and loves me, and has never left me or forsaken me. In the meantime, I/we will continue to praise Him in this storm, because not only does my help come from the Lord, so does my hope. 

0 for 5

Well, we are now 0 for 5 (that we know of), well I guess technically 0-4 since one birthmom who is having her baby today has decided to parent for now, but I guess that's still NOT choosing us, so yeah 0-5. This sucks.

In other news, we go in for our first training on Saturday to be licensed for foster to adopt/respite care/adoption through Angelheart Ministries here in Austin. So there's that. Some sweet friends of ours just got placed with a baby girl straight from the hospital yesterday, and they had only been waiting like 2 months, so that's promising, I guess. Just feeling a little jaded and defeated today.

The cruel irony of this whole situation has been weighing heavily on me lately.We have 4 perfect embryos which obviously make magnificent beautiful babies,

PROOF - exhibit A

and no uterus to put them in b/c God didn't think I needed that uterus anymore, and no takers to carry our baby for us, so we must turn to adoption to grow our family, and we pay, and we wait, and we are rejected, repeatedly, all the while we must make a plan for our baby embryos, that we want SO badly, but must eventually give to someone else. I just can't. Every time I think I have moved on from it, wham-o it slaps me in the face and I am forced to deal with these demons of my heart. I hate being angry with God. It's just not fair - and now I sound like a whining toddler, of course life isn't fair, it never has been and never will be.

This journey is hard, and it sucks... alot, that is all.