Saturday, December 21, 2013

Am I a bad person...

Because I would rather use a gestational carrier than adopt? I feel like a terrible person for even saying it out loud. It's so hard to not get caught up in what other people think, feel, believe and say on the subject. But honestly, until they have been in my shoes, gone through what I've gone through, do they really have the right to judge? I know the answer is, "no one has the right to judge", but that doesn't mean that they don't.

As I've been delving deeper into our adoption paperwork, and researching and assessing the affects of various drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and other health issues on a baby, I find my mind continuously drawn to the dream and idea of having a surrogate or gestational carrier carry our baby for us. Then I get mad and cry, frustrated that life isn't fair. Then I put my big girl panties back on and move on to the next task of the day.

Unfortunately, people are not climbing out of the woodwork and banging down our doors in hopes of carrying a baby for us, and I don't know how I would ever begin to ask something so huge of someone. Hey friend, are you doing anything for the next 9 months? Can I borrow your body? Um, yeah, no. I mean this is way huger than egg donation! (huger, like that? Yup, I was an English teacher) And the kicker of it all... I couldn't wait to be a surrogate/gc for a couple in need after I had the twins! But alas, it was not in God's plan for me. Then when we finally did get an offer to carry our baby, God very clearly closed that door. Why can't He make it clear to us now what we should do?

In other news... we picked an angel tree child to buy Christmas gifts for. Her name was Preh Mo. Yeah, you know like "pray mo" kinda slang for "pray more"... coincidence? I think not. That God and His love notes!
Emma giving Preh her Christmas gifts :)

There's a song that has really been on my mind lately, and I feel the lyrics really resonate with me, and are really meeting me right where I am right now...

Sidewalk Prophets "Help Me Find It" (excerpt)

If there's a road I should walk
Help me find it if I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will, whatever Your will
Can you help me find it?
Can you help me find it?
I'm giving You fear and You give faith
I'm giving you doubt, You give me grace
For every step I've never been alone
Lord, I sing these words as my prayer to you. Please guide me and reveal your will for me and my family.

Just because it's cute and funny :)

1 comment:

  1. Ugh, I can only imagine, Candice. I had wanted to be a surrogate after I had Sara, but the stars did not align for that to happen. I actually probably would not have Isabelle if I had done a surrogacy pregnancy. I guess the question would be, can you Trust the bio-mom to take care of herself while she is planning on giving that baby up for adoption? I think going through the process, there needs to be a good judge of character. And I think the best way to decide what is better is try to get the perspective of the bio-mom. They are also having to take a huge leap of faith that you will be a fit and loving mother to this child (which is their blood) that is growing inside their bodies. You might want to try to find some adoption families to try to get their viewpoint. I would say that is a much safer bet than reading the paper work and hearing the horror stories. Not saying that horror stories aren't there...I would just not let it sway you too much BECAUSE there are a lot more positive outcomes than negative. I have heard of horror stories with surrogates too, so either option is daunting. Whatever you decide will be right for your family and God will lead the way! Please let me know if I can do anything to help!