Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Facing My Fears, The Stigma of Infertility

Part 2

It's funny, you know, how fate works in your life. How one seemingly insignificant decision can lead to several other seemingly insignificant decisions, and before you know it, fate has put you in a place that you otherwise never would have been. Meeting someone that you never would have met.

It was Spring Break 2001. I was really looking forward to hitting up some South Padre Island action with my roommate and some of her hometown friends. Plans were made, my shifts at work were covered, I had a couple bucks saved up, and was ready to par-tay! At the last minute, literally an hour before we were supposed to head out, my roommate and 2 other friends bailed. That left me and another guy that I barely knew, driving down to SPI to meet up with about 8 other GUYS for spring break. I thought, why not, what the hell, what else am I going to do, sit around here all week?! So we headed out. It was about a 5 hour drive, and this guy was kinda weird, so of course, I pretended to sleep the whole time. Please remember, this was circa 2001, a la before the invention of the iphone. We all met up at the super classy Ramada (I think, I could be wrong) in the dirty south aka Brownsville. Brownsville was the spring break haven for co-eds not quite of legal drinking age such as myself, as it was steps away from the Mexican border and Matamoros. I won't bore you with all the details of the trip (mainly because I don't remember half of them!), but I will tell you that among the 9 guys there, one of them stood out. His name was Jason, and he was soooo cute, and so nice, and just as clumsy as I was. Between the two of us, we probably dropped on average 10 bottles of Bud Light on the floor every.single.night. We laughed, we made out, we exchanged numbers, and we went our separate ways. He went back to A&M and I went back to SWT. I knew he was a keeper when I mailed him some pics I had taken from the trip and he mailed back a sweet card with a $20 in it to reimburse me, I mean come on, who does that?! We emailed each other and called occasionally, but we both knew that neither of us wanted anything serious, especially not with an hour and half between us - that's just crazy talk for young fun-lovin college kids! I saw him again in May when he invited me to a concert. Let me tell you, I started to fall... and hard. But still, I knew the long distance thing wouldn't work, so we kept doing what we had been doing. Kind of a "when I'm with you, I'm with you" deal. And it worked for us. I dated other guys here and there and he dated other girls too, but in the back of my mind, I was comparing every single guy to Jason, and not a single one was living up to him. Every couple months we would see each other, and each time my love for him grew stronger and stronger. Finally, in December 2003 I graduated from college. He and another buddy came down for the occasion and he met my parents for the first time. Of course, they loved him too. About a week later, we left with my cousin on a ski trip to Colorado. It was there, in a bar, at midnight, on New Year's Eve, that he cradled my face in his hands, looked deep into my eyes, and told me he loved me. Swoon! My heart exploded! I knew he meant it too and I could finally tell him that I loved him too! We may or may not have moved mountains that night, if you know what I mean :) Sadly, the day after returning from our awesome trip, I was set to leave for Costa Rica for the entire month of January to study abroad for my final college class. Can you think of a better way to go out? Yeah I thought not! We emailed daily, and I drew corny hearts in the sand that said "wish you were here", but even though I did miss him, that was the most AMAZING and unforgettable trip/experience of my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world! I know this has nothing to do with infertility, but I thought you might want to know a little back story.

I returned the day before Super Bowl Sunday. The thought of telling Jason my secrets were weighing heavy on my heart. Would this change the way he felt about me? Would he want to break up? Would I ever find someone else as great as him? The whole thing made me nauseous. Finally, one night I built up the courage to tell him. I had the conversation a million times in my head, but when I opened my mouth to speak, a giant lump formed in the back of my throat, forcing only squeaks of words to come out and tears to begin welling up from behind my eyes. How was I going to get through this? I can only imagine what he must of been thinking. Very slowly, and through ALOT of crying and sobbing, I told him my story. I could see his face fall, and sadness take over, and I thought, oh great here it comes, we're over. But to my surprise, the sadness wasn't over finding that I wasn't who he thought I was, it was genuine sadness for me, and that I was hurting. He was so upset that here was a problem that was affecting me in such a negative way, and there was nothing he could do to fix it. He just held me and rocked me back in forth telling me over and over how much he loved me and that he could care less whether or not I could have children, and that he even wanted to adopt anyway. How could I be this lucky? Is he for real right now? Did God really make this amazing specimen of a man just for me? Yes ladies. Yes he did. After that, I felt an enormous weight lifted and in its place, was that airy, bounce in your step, can't stop smiling kind of romantic love that you see in the movies.

In June of 2007 we were married at dusk, on the side of the lake, in downtown Austin, with all of our friends and family surround us and we were ready to take on this life together, and all the challenges that we knew were ahead of us. During the ceremony, the pastor made a plea to our friends and family, that they too would be a part of our marriage, and help support us and encourage us, and in unison, they all said "We Do" that day too. Now some may have just said it as a courtesy, some probably thought they meant it at the time, but some, some of them really took this vow to heart and would later become such an incredible blessing to Jason and I, and an inspiration for how generous and loving our Lord intended us to be. Part 3 coming soon.

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